In celebration of the death of Captain Cook, and the once-a-year capitalist celebration of love, Brooke from Trash Tiddas will teach you how to trash up your Valentine’s Day.
1. Fall in love (hurry up you don’t have much time)
Download all of the dating apps immediately, it’s not a cesspool of horrible human beings – trust me. Now it’s time to try classic pickup lines such as:
- It’s handy that I have my library card because I’m totally checking you out.
- You seem to have dropped something there… Oh, it’s your standards! Can I buy you a drink?
- Are you my appendix? Because I don’t understand how you work but there’s this feeling in my stomach that makes me want to take you out.
- You look like the GOAT and I wanna feed you by hand.
- You up? (or everyone’s favourite WYD)
- Hey (repeat several times, over a duration of months if no answer)
2. Ok, now you’re in love because this advice is flawless, it’s time to plan a date
Make your own list of all the things your partner is interested in, remember to be deeply and unnervingly specific. Now, throw that list out because mine is better.
- Hard Rubbish/Council Clean Up, this one comes straight out of Tully’s textbook for love. What could be more romantic than rifling through someone else’s pre-loved trash. For inspiration on what to do with your lovingly collected items check out Trash Tiddas on Instagram for Tully’s downcycling tips
- Go to Ikea, nothing says love like getting into a life-altering argument while trapped in a Swedish maze. Plus, there are meatballs!
- Meet their parents, I don’t care if you just met. Go and hang out in their childhood bedroom. Bring up the death of Captain Cook at dinner or challenge their father to a duel in the backyard. A fun-filled time for you AND your date
- Take a page out of Amy’s book, and demand they plan you a date because you’re a beautiful pillow princess who deserves the world
- Poop with the door open for the first time, don’t give them any warning. This is more of a test than a date, but if it goes as planned, it might very well ignite a true love connection. The key to success is making unwavering eye contact while said pooping is occurring
3. Gifts, regardless of their love language, the unending capitalist hellscape we live in demands that we give gifts on every possible occasion. Your life depends on it.
- Overcome your deep-seated fear of the robot uprising and try out the candy heart AI generator
- Invest your money and an unreasonable amount of time DIYing a full-size life mould of your entire body. This works perfectly as a first-date gift, as they will inevitably miss you desperately as soon as the date ends
- An open bowl filled with teeth (any teeth), or cicada shells will do in a bind. Don’t ask me why, only Tully knows the truth
- If your lover is a Short King, why not buy them Tom Cruise-style shoes with lifts in them? Poking at your loved one’s deepest insecurity is a surefire way to the ultimate form of love, toxic co-dependency
- If money is tight, scrap the old ‘book of vouchers’ idea. In true brat fashion make your darling a book of demands, that they must fulfil at the time of your choosing. The high-stakes pressure of meeting your ever-changing unhinged needs is the gift that keeps on giving
Following this simple advice will guarantee your Valentine’s Day is everything you’ve ever dreamed of, and if it isn’t – then there must be something wrong with you.